The words on my tongue
fester behind a closed portal.
I swallow them, afraid
what they will reveal
to the gazes that burn
into my back.
As I walk,
smoking glares measure
and weigh every move.
They wait, like lions
stalking behind
Savannah grass.
When I feel their judgments’
weight on my shoulders,
I know
that a wrong move means death.
Shame.
One more moment
that scorches my mind's eye
when I look back.
One more for my collection.
When I swallow my words,
I trap myself in my own throat.
With lowered eyes, I continue
down the school hall
in silence.
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,831 Reviews
Thank you! This poem has been bugging me for a while, but I haven't been able to decide why. Thanks for your comments, they'll help loads!
--Anna
The poem wasn't bad. It had a lot of imagery, and that was nice, but you should vary your word choice a bit more. The word "eye(s)" appeared three times in about the same place in three different verses. If I were you, instead of saying "golden eyes stalking behind the savannah grass", why not just come out and say "lion"? Sometimes the straightforward way is the best way. It would cut down on the repetitiveness of it. Another thing I would recommend is putting the word "Shame" in it's own line. It would make the poem much more effective and lyrical in its delivery.
This poem has some lovely images. I like particularly "smoking glares" and "scorches my mind's eye" and my favourite line was "when I swallow my words I trap myself in my own throat" you have a talent for interesting metaphors and imagery Very pretty.
The problem I think I have with this poem is that the meaning of it is obscured behind the images, that are all pretty obscure. All I've managed to get from it is a sort of feeling of unease and repression, and that's great but I want more detail. I'm not saying you should say specifically what you mean, just twist the images so they're not so fuzzy and obscure.
This is lovely, but I don't feel like I understand it well enough.